10 days ago we finally met with the RE {Reproductive Endocrinologist} and put everything down on paper to move forward with IVF. We now have an official start date for the IVF Cycle (well as official as we can be going based on Natural CD 1) which will be within a day or two of March 6th. Less than two weeks away. You might be wondering why I've taken 10 days to write this post. The truth? I've been flat out miserable. I so badly want to document the ups and downs of this process, but the last week has literally clobbered me that the thought of getting on the computer to do anything that requires more than flicking through Pinterest, was just a ludicrous proposition. This shit is hard.
In the last 10 days I have read and re-read Glennon Melton's Don't Carpe Diem about 1000 times. It is a must read for all parents and anyone on the TTC Journey. If you haven't read it, do. Seriously, I just stopped writing this post to re-read it again. In the past few weeks I have had countless people message me or come to me to tell me (not ask me, tell me) How excited I must be to be starting the IVF Process. Excited? Why yes, I am delighted that we are about to spend a not-so-small fortune on a 30% chance of starting our family. I'm delighted that my body has been failing me for the last three and a half years. Yes. Nail on the head on that one. Who *are* these people??!!
To be fair, I am grateful. So so grateful that we have this opportunity, the means and the ability to take advantage of the science and technology that is available to us. I know there are thousands of women and couples who are not as fortunate and truly, I am so thankful and grateful that we are able to have the wonderful doctors that we do, and to be able to afford the procedure. That being said, there is a huge difference between being grateful and being excited.
What's really been clobbering me over the last few weeks is I had been feeling terribly terribly guilty. All I kept thinking is "Why am I not more excited about this!! We could have a baby this time next year!" The problem is that I've been thinking that. For three years straight, and then some. On Valentine's Day (for those doing the math, that was just the day after we met with the RE) while I was waiting for Hubby to come home for our date night I was chatting with a friend back East who has gone through this process successfully and she asked me how I was feeling. I told her, in all honesty, I feel like I'm on the Tea Cups, spinning out of control, about to vomit, but still have to pretend that I had fun at the fair. Her response was "It's okay to not love it, you know. You can love the product, without loving the process." It's taken me a few days to process this but honestly I feel like I was almost afraid to say "This is effing brutal", because on some level I felt like if I say it's brutal it's like saying it's not worth it. The fact is that's just not true. There isn't a price we wouldn't pay. We would go through anything we had to, in order to start our family. The last 3.5 years are testament to that. Anyone who really knows my husband and I knows that's the truth.
And that's where we are. I hate this. It's insanely harder than anyone could have ever prepared me for: and I haven't even really started yet. What's my saving grace? I'm going to be a damn amazing mother for it. Somehow the thought of being up at 2, 4 and 6am because of a crying and desperately hungry baby seems a helluva lot more manageable when you have 3.5 years of crying and your own desperation immediately preceding it. We got this.
And truly, one day, we will have this.
I get everything your saying. We have had unprotected sex for 18 years. I was almost 21 when I met my husband. We started IVF last year and got through 3 cycles. 1 failed 2 success but failed at 6 and 9 weeks. No it sucks and no I'm not excited and giddy anymore. I'm terrified of failure and loss again. I'm laying here flat on my back because today was the transfer of 3 embryos. Just like last time they are perfect. Yet I'm still not a mom. All I can say is try to be in the moment. Happy sad optomistic or angry. Every emotion is good
Posted by: Alison. | 02/23/2012 at 05:03 PM
Alison, first off I am so SO sorry for your loss. I cannot imagine what it must be like to go through the roller coaster of IVF and then have it turn in to a loss. Having suffering losses from natural pregnancies I can only imagine it's 1000 times worse following an IVF and my heart breaks for you. I am sending you ever ounce of energy that I can possibly muster to help those 3 little embies stick tight to their mama!! I'm pulling for them, and for you!
And yes, I agree, letting yourself experience every emotion is the key. Love and hugs mama.... and truck loads of sticky baby dust!
Posted by: Arpita of Up, Down & Natural | 02/23/2012 at 11:50 PM
Yes, it IS brutal, and it WILL be worth it when you're cuddling your baby at 2am. I can completely sympathize with what you're going through, as I went through it too. It sucks. I *was* excited before the first cycle started, but in the middle of it, and the two after that one, it sucked. Injections, patches, suppositories, waiting....yeah. Not so fun. Sleep deprivation actually is a much better deal.
I am sending you hope and love. And Dramamine.
Posted by: Juliet | 02/25/2012 at 11:09 PM
It is scary as heck, and excitement is not exactly the emotion to describe it. I think we push that excitement of the possibilty of a pregnancy away as a self protective mechanism. Honestly, coping with a crying baby is child's play compared with rolling the IVF dice. I truly believe infertility changes parenting for the better. Every little moment is so precious and appreciated. You will be a great mom when you get there in whatever way it happens.
Posted by: Silverdollar | 02/28/2012 at 01:57 AM
Hi... here from Cyclesistas :) This is certainly a roller-coaster... but hopefully worth the journey. I'm so sorry that you've had a tough week... thinking of you and FXd as you start your cycle. I'll be 'cycling' with you... but have a private blog and happy for fellow IF bloggers to join. My updater blog (to get links to posts) is newyearmum2.blogspot.com... and if you email me on [email protected], I can send you an access link. Here on the roller coaster with you xoxo
Posted by: Newyearmum2.blogspot.com | 03/11/2012 at 06:36 PM
10 IVF's and one adoption later we are the proud and happy parents of our perfect little girl! It was pure unbelievable hell getting here....but oh so worth it! Hold on, keep your eyes on the prize! Good luck!
Posted by: Happy AP Mom | 03/13/2012 at 03:46 AM