This round of IVF has been such an incredible journey, with lots of highs and lows. At the end of the day, we did not have the outcome that we were hoping for and are not pregnant - in fact, never really had the chance to become pregnant as we never got to the stage in IVF of doing the embryo transfer. All of this I will come back and explain in further posts through this month, but for now, I'll just leave you with this...
What has surprised both my husband and I the most is that we're really okay. To be honest, we're really happy. It's not at all the emotions either of us expected. For sure, immediately after getting the news we had our moments of sadness, and I even had moments I'm really not proud of where I find myself judging pregnant friends, or other mothers, feeling like they don't appreciate what they have. All totally normal for infertility, and even more so after a failed IVF... But, I keep waiting for that really big cry. And it just isn't happening. To be honest, I don't really feel like I have that much to cry over. Through everything, we've held our heads high, been able to keep smiling... and frankly... I am so damn proud of us!!
Honestly, what I credit this to entirely is the fact that my husband and I truly are a team. I feel so beyond blessed to have him by my side and encouraging me on through this, and always knowing exactly what I need. I am proud of both of us for being so strong and really allowing ourselves to learn from the process, and the journey itself. It always breaks my heart when I hear of other women suffering through infertility, who say they feel like they're the only ones suffering. This journey has been 100% shared between us, in different ways of course, and experienced differently, but shared none the less. I am so incredibly grateful for it. I don't have a single doubt in my mind that when we do have our little one in our arms, we will still be a team, handling each bed time, each bath time, each tantrum and each dinner time melt down together. We'll also share in the "i love yous", the cuddles, snuggles, eskimo kisses... and what keeps me going is that I know we'll cherish every single one of these moments. The good the bad and the ugly... Because we have gone through hell and back... multiple times, to get to that dream.
The fact is that we're really happy because for the first time in a LONG time, we're both allowing ourselves to be very selfish and I have to admit... it feels freakin' fantastic. We've taken "breaks" from trying before, but never in this way. Before it was always in 1/2 my head still keeping track of ovulation, still thinking about temperatures, still wondering if what we're doing is affecting our fertility. It's always been in that "Maybe if we don't try, it'll happen..." kind of way. I can honestly say, I feel like we've given it everything we've got and we're really happy with not only how things have been going, but also who we are as people, and who we are as a couple. It's something that I know for a fact not everyone can handle, and without sounding conceited, certainly not as well as we've been rocking it. It is a deliriously good feeling. The other thing that allows me to revel in this happiness is that I know we will not be one of those couples who tries and tries for ever. It just won't happen. We may or may not attempt another round of IVF in the New Year. But at the end of the day - neither my husband or I want to have children just to have them. It is not at all just a "maternal desire" for me, like it is for so many women. We want to have children because we want to raise a family together... and whether that comes to us through a successful next attempt at IVF, or adoption, or surrogacy or some other route I know without a doubt within a few years we will be parents. Frankly though, right now isn't about that. I can honestly say this is the first time I'm not thinking "maybe it'll happen now that we're not thinking about it." Right now it's about us and not giving a damn about anything else but us and having fun. I do want more than anything to raise a child with my husband - and when our baby is ready to come to us he or she will, and we'll be over the moon. But I'm not wasting any more time thinking about a person that doesn't even exist yet. It's been a hellish year, and with all of this behind us, feeling stronger than ever we're going to do what WE want. Right now we are planning trip to Ireland and France in September, and have a relative's wedding in India next April that we are hoping to attend as well. We're also just enjoying being selfish on little every day things... more to come on this next week! ;)
Just as a quick moment of reflection to share with all of you... I thought it would be a while before I would be able to look back on these photos fondly, but I already love these pictures that we took just three weeks ago from our egg retrieval. We made a gamble in the later parts of our IVF cycle to take a chance to learn a little more about our infertility. It meant risking loosing the cycle - which we did. But we also gained SO much from it, which gives us great hope for the future. Perhaps that's why I already love these pictures so much. When we took them my hubby said to me "This is the start of our family!" And you know what... He's right. Even still, he's so right.
Me, pre egg retrieval... Although, already had some "relaxing drugs" so was starting to feel a bit loopy.
Me and hubby, immediately post egg retrieval. I was SO cold, and SO drugged.
I cannot say enough about VFC. I freakin' LOVE them!! Amazing RE and Amazing Nurses!
We decided that since my eggs and hub's swimmers had a date in the lab that night, we would have a date of our own. This is about 10 hours after egg retrieval. We went out for Indian food, and Hubs had an Irish Beer to celebrate the joining of our cultures. Looking back the idea is cute, but we were both so so sick. If we do a next round we'll be doing something much lighter for a dinner date post egg retrieval.